The changing face of marriage

I've just been watching a fascinating documentary on BBC iPlayer about the history of British marriages in the last fifty years. It shows how much marriage has changed. Kirsty Young interviewed lots of couples and marriage guidance counsellors to explore the changing concept of marriage: from an institution to a relationship.

One significant factor was the availability of divorce, which meant that people actually had to work at it rather than taking it for granted, and that they could escape miserable and failed marriages. But until the Divorce Reform Act of 1969, a divorce was still quite difficult to obtain; one or other party had to be at fault. After that, separation could be grounds for divorce. By seeing marriage as a terminable arrangement, this completely changed the way people viewed marriage: it means that the quality of marriage matters, and it is socially acceptable to end one.

The Second World War had a huge impact; there were 30,000 divorces in 1946 (more than three times the pre-war numbers) because people's expectations of marriage had changed, and many people had had affairs while they or their partners were away, or both parties had simply changed in the intervening years since they had last seen each other.

Then there was the advent of marriage guidance (the National Marriage Guidance Council was formed in 1946). The NMGC promoted the concept of companionate marriage — the idea that the partners are equal and provide companionship for each other.

Another significant change was women going out to work. In the early 50s, only one in five women worked. This changed fairly rapidly in subsequent decades. At about 25 minutes into the documentary, Kirsty Young takes a pot-shot at that idiot John Bowlby, who placed having a mother in full-time employment on the same level as war and famine in the scale of calamities that might befall a child.

The increasing availability of contraception also had an effect, together with increased expectations of sexual fulfilment. Until the "sexual revolution", people often had little or no sexual experience when they got married, so had no basis for comparison to know if their partner was any good in the sack. Reliable contraception allowed them to gain pre-marital sexual experiences; and also meant that they could choose whether or not to have children. And increased availability of knowledge about sex (orgasms and so on) meant that expectations were raised, and extra-marital affairs became more common. Prior to that, they were pretty clueless about sex; a NMGC survey in the early 50s found that only one in three couples had a fulfilling sex life. A 1958 NMGC booklet, Sex in Marriage, pointed out that some couples, once they get closer, might like to try having sex with no clothes on; and pointed out that some women might need more than orgasm before they were satisfied. (Hurrah - multiple orgasms!) People were also clueless about conception and contraception - at the beginning of the 1960s, one in five women were already pregnant when they got married. Many others died of botched abortions.

Feminism also had an impact, encouraging women to expect economic, intellectual and sexual freedom, and legal and social equality. Men started to help with the housework, or with pushing the pram or holding the baby in the late 1950s. (The next programme in the series deals with feminism and sexual liberation.)

Education (including sex education) improved massively, making people better informed about life and about the choices available to them.

All of these factors mean that marriage at the end of the twentieth century was a completely different concept than it was at the beginning of the century. So, if you are one of those people who thinks that same-sex or polygamous marriage would change the concept of marriage beyond all recognition, you are closing the stable door after the horse has bolted.

The underpinnings of feminism

Heresy Corner critiques an article by one Melissa McEwan.

Misogyny, Up Close and Personal, by Melissa McEwan, in The Guardian.

She complains that when she makes a feminist statement, intellectual men like to argue the toss with her about it, which makes her cry because they don't understand her trauma. Well, surprise, feminism is an intellectual tradition and a set of propositions about the underlying causes of social phenomena: so it's open to debate.

Yes, her lived experience has clearly been traumatic, and I am sorry she has had a rough ride. But one person's life experience does not make a sociological treatise - it's anecdotal evidence. Her experience is not the same as mine - most men I know are very supportive of my feminist views; and I have not experienced nonconsensual frottage on public transport. I have not been raped. I have experienced sexual harassment and verbal abuse, but it is increasingly rare.

I can't abide the sort of essentialism that assumes that women are all-nurturing earth-mother types and men are all abstract intellectuals, or inherently violent, and never the twain shall meet. It's like something out of GK Chesterton (who said something along these lines).

I can back up my particular variety of feminism with intellectual arguments, and moreover, would expect to do so if challenged. If feminism is a worthwhile discourse, we must be able to back it up with sound intellectual arguments and real sociological and ethnographic evidence.

Your hosts

As mentioned earlier, I am Angharad V. Setherwood, known as "Bunny".  In between competing at archery and fencing competitions, I paint scenes of bohemian life.  Artists and writers turn to me for a little stability in their lives; which is fortunate as I only have a little of that commodity - maintaining a large rambling house in the country (Setherwood Grange), and being a breeder of prize ferrets, is somewhat taxing.  But I relax by swimming in the River Cam and researching the witchcraft traditions of rural Cambridgeshire.  My greatest chums (apart from Blossom and Dauntless of course) are dear Rafe and Jessie.

My esteemed colleagues on this august publication are Isobel G. Sissinghurst, otherwise known in her set as "Blossom", and Chalmers Z. Vanderbilt, my delightful American cousin. 

Isobel acquired the moniker of "Blossom" from her interest in garden design.  She can often be seen pottering about with her chum Gertrude J., discussing the finer points of lavender, lovage and whatnot.  She rides a large penny-farthing to suffragist meetings, and lives in an artists' colony in rural Gloucestershire with her collection of Houdan hens.  Her other interests include amateur operatics and dismantling clocks.

Chalmers is a gossip columnist of some distinction, but he has a shocking propensity for wearing quite dazzling tartan creations at odd hours of the day (hence his nickname, "Dauntless") - and with a green carnation; would you credit it?  His collection of monocles is unrivalled, and he also plays a mean hand at euchre.  He will recite Betjeman poems at house parties, especially if the hostess summons her guests to the piano.  He is accompanied everywhere by Cuchulain, a large Irish wolfhound, and a young gentleman who rejoices in the name of Temerare K. Marchpane; both are devoted to him - the dears.

So, pull up a chaise longue, top up your glass with port, and settle in for an evening with the bluestockings.

the name of the rose

The Bluestocking title of choice is always Ms or Mss (like Mss Weatherwax), never Miss or Mrs (except for eighteenth century ladies, when Mrs meant simply an adult woman and did not denote married status).

Bluestocking first names tend to be robust - the sort of name you could travel round the world in - but never derived from masculine names.  Examples include Angharad, Ada, Alice, Octavia, Olivia, Olive, Elizabeth, Gloria, Damaris, Tallulah, Radclyffe, and so on, but never Charlotte, Henrietta, or Yvette.

A Bluestocking frequently has a middle initial, but never reveals what it stands for (to preserve her mystique you understand - it's this sort of thing that puts the fear of Goddess into the more timid variety of Chap, you see).

The Bluestocking surname, if double-barrelled, is never hyphenated.  For example, Augusta Ada Lovelace Byron.

Bluestockings frequently have nicknames, possibly expressing their particular literary or scientific bent.

The use of names and the preservation of mystique are minor branches of the art of Headology.

My Bluestocking name, just for the record, is Angharad V. Setherwood, known to the gels of my immediate circle as "Bunny".

oaths and imprecations

Bluestocking oaths are colourful but not unladylike.  The bluestocking tends to utter such imprecations as "Cripes!", "Jiminy!", "Bobbins" and frequently to use colourful Shakespearian language (probably due to a misspent youth in the theatre).

Of course the more dashing set among the bluestockings simply let rip like navvies, or like Father Jack (Feck! Arse! Girls!  I love my brick! and so on.)

fashion tips for bluestockings

1. Never wear anything that actually is in fashion;
2. Tweed is good (but not twinsets, and certainly not pearls);
   
3. Waistcoats are good - somewhere to store gadgetry. Remember to leave the bottom button undone (out of respect to George III, who left his undone to accommodate his girth);
4. Gadgetry is good; always remember to carry your Swiss Army Knife and your pocket watch;
   
5. Handbags - large, practical and roomy; capable of holding several books and doubling as a weapon in extremis (as demonstrated by the redoubtable Olive Hawthorne, who hit a would-be assailant over the head with her reticule - which happened to contain her crystal ball);
6. Trousers (often referred to as bloomers) are just the thing for ladies of a practical disposition;
7. Hatpins - never go out without one;
   
8. Frills and flounces are out.
   

The postmodern bluestocking

The postmodern bluestocking is a third-wave feminist with an interest in first-wave feminism.  She knows what postmodernism and queer theory are.  She regards men as equally oppressed by the hierarchical arrangement sometimes referred to as the patriarchy.

She knows how to change a tyre, and is clubbable, affable and witty.  Keen on science, exploration, literature and art, she never talks about babies or make-up.  Nor does she talk about sport, unless it is archery or fencing, which are of course martial arts rather than sport.  She prefers science fiction over fantasy.  She knows the difference between domestic violence (deplorable) and consensual SM (well, some gels like to play rough).

Her hobbies are never demure; not for her cross-stitch and watercolours, bridge and bricolage.  No, she engages in intellectual conversation, hiking, birdwatching, climbing, white-water canoeing, wit and repartee, poker, reading novels, exploration, battle re-enactment, steampunk, science fiction conventions, and so forth.

What is a bluestocking?

In mid-18th-century England, any of a group of women who met to discuss literature. Attempting to replace the playing of cards and such social activities with more intellectual pursuits, they held "conversations" to which they invited men of letters and members of the aristocracy with literary interests. The term probably originated when Mrs. Elizabeth Vesey invited the learned Benjamin Stillingfleet to one of her parties; he declined, saying he lacked appropriate dress, until she told him to come "in his blue stockings" — the ordinary worsted stockings he was wearing at the time. The word bluestocking came to be applied derisively to a woman who affects literary or learned interests.

~ definition of Bluestocking, from Britannica.com.

According to Wikipedia:

The Blue Stockings Society was created in imitation of the French society of the same name, but emphasizing education and mutual co-operation rather than the individualism which marked the French version.

The Society was founded in the early 1750s by Elizabeth Montagu and others as a women's literary discussion group, a revolutionary step away from traditional non-intellectual women's activities. They invited various people to attend, including botanist, translator and publisher Benjamin Stillingfleet. One story tells that Stillingfleet was not rich enough to have the proper formal dress, which included black silk stockings, so he attended in everyday blue worsted stockings. The term came to refer to the informal quality of the gatherings and the emphasis on conversation over fashion.

Dansk (Danish)
n. - blåstrømpe, kvindelig intellektuel

Nederlands (Dutch)
blauwkous

Français (French) 
n. - (fig) bas-bleu

Deutsch (German) 
n. - Blaustrumpf

Ελληνική (Greek) 
n. - (καθομ.) (ψευτο)διανοούμενη, κουλτουριάρα

Italiano (Italian) 
donna intellettuale, avocetta

Português (Portuguese) 
n. - sabichona (f) (coloq.)

Русский (Russian) 
образованная женщина

Español (Spanish) 
n. - literata, marisabidilla

Svenska (Swedish) 
n. - blåstrumpa

中文（简体） (Chinese (Simplified)) 
女学者, 装做有学问的女人

中文（繁體） (Chinese (Traditional)) 
n. - 女學者, 裝做有學問的女人

한국어 (Korean) 
n. - 여류문학자

日本語 (Japanese) 
n. - 才女, 女流文学者

العربيه (Arabic) 
‏(الاسم) امرأة رفيعه التعليم‏

עברית (Hebrew) 
n. - משכילה, אינטליגנטית